I'm at work in the oddest part of a 12 hour shift. I have no one to give report to because I'm carrying my team of patients into the 3-11 part of the day. And I have no one to take report from, having been on the same team since 7am. I had two discharges, but no admissions. No diabetics who need pre prandial finger sticks or insulin coverage. I went and took Jeanette to the bathroom, helped her change, and then we walked up and down the hall a bit. We even made up a new song in French whcih we sang as a round.* But I have nothing new to chart. The floor will stay quiet a while until right after dinner when I begin pulling out my hair giving prns, afternoon doses of lasix and doing the second round of BID (twice a day) dressings.
Some interesting things are coming up at work regarding professional boundaries. I've been asked to be in a Boundaries Awareness Committee. The invitation was partially because I offered my videographer skills (what?) to my superviser to help her... ramp up the orientation package offered to new nurses at our facility. She accepted my offer and then realized that a video on boundaries was a perfect way to begin changing the culture of the entire program to be more open to frank discussions on the subject. Hence, the Boundaries Awareness Committee. The invitation to the committee was, as I mentioned, partially due to my desire to do video production for educational programing. The other half of the inclusion on this project is because of my own experience as a young, new nurse in developing my professional boundaries. This has been an ongoing, trial and error process. Emphasis on the error, because a slippage of boundaries last fall was what spurred my heightened awareness of what constitutes an overstepping.
To begin our work we have decided at our next meeting to take a look at the current boundaries training and what we like or want to change. In the meantime we have been asked to reflect on our own thoughts on professional boundaries in the medical setting.
I should go double check some orders, but expect to hear all about my boundaries disaster of '07 in a future post.
*This brought joy to everyone who could hear us except for the unit secretary who was trying to take an important phone call. If YOU have never sang an improvised round in french with a blind Haitian woman I suggest you try it. It will lower your blood pressure and make you feel like the universe is aligned correctly.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
This Weekend
This weekend was amazing. I celebrated my birthday in two parts. Saturday night I had a small group of friends over to carve pumpkins. I made mulled apple cider and butter beer and Shannon made a cake that looked like a pumpkin (pictures to follow) and James brought his guitar.
It wasn't huge, I didn't invite everyone I know. I only invited a cozy amount of people, enough to fill my kitchen. When I imagined how I wanted to celebrate it was the only thing I wanted. I've had enough loud drunken parties in my past and surely have a few more in my future.
As a result of the pumpkin carving festivities I have a ton of guts and seeds and so I have been spending this afternoon baking pumpkins.
Then... Sunday night after Gorefest rehearsal I met Laura, Scott, Rachel and Marcy and we all took a drive to Litchfield New Hampshire to go to NIGHTMARE NEW ENGLAND.
I can not overstate how much I enjoy haunted houses and scary hayrides. I mean, probably way more than a good Catholic girl should. Over the years I have been to many different scary adventure parks. Scott has too, and many of them we've done together since he is my go-to guy for this type of thing. Last year we did the U.S.S Salem . So we're kind of like... connoisseurs of shock-entertainment. The first thing we noticed was that the costumes of the people entertaining guests while we stood in line were extremely elaborate. Like, there was one character on stilts with cyborg components but a face like TreeBeard. Except, where he did look like TreeBeard he also had metal mandibles. And a futuristic eye patch, headpiece that lit up in places, reflecting on his bark. WHAT? Every character seemed to have a story behind his or her attire. Like the woman wearing a wedding dress, a gas mask, and carrying a black balloon. Also, a ton of awesome mask and stilt work combined with some puppetry stuff too.. so it wasn't all jsut teenage hacks looking for summer work.
The four main attractions with general admission are, in order:
BURIED ALIVE
A haunted house built into a barn meant to make you feel like you were trapped underground. We experienced some extreme claustrophobia. The ceiling got very low and you could hear people nailing nails as you were "buried." Actors *did* do the jumping out at you thing, but it was very well done, not over played and the costumes were amazing. One of the guys was dressed in leaves and completely blended in with this wall of leaves. Scott screamed "Legends of the Hidden Temple" and the guy yelled "Hidden Temple!" back at him like a parrot. We got squished in this hallway made from the stuff a bouncy house is made of that went on FOREVER. And it was tight. Really tight. That was scary. I'm ok in tight situations, but if Scott hadn't been holding my hand I might have lost it. It was hard to breathe, it was pitch black and the hall was only as large as your body mass made way for.
RAVENCLAW
An open air cemetery/maze where we got chased around by zombies, a few of which resembled my ex boyfriends. One of them said "I AM your ex boyfriend," when I voiced this to Scott, which made us laugh and also made me very very nervous about who they are hiring at this place. Scariest part? not knowing which way to turn for exits, wooden shacks that nearly collapsed on us, and having to physically touch this hanging torso that was in the way of an exit that looked EXACTLY like the Harold the scarecrow from the "Scary Story" books.
3D Freak Show
This was in a tent, and we all had to wear 3-D glasses. The theme was "deranged circus," there were side show acts and of course clowns a plenty. It was more disorienting than scary. The whole thing was lit with black lights, and the glasses made some of the colors jump more than others. Some of the actors wore costumes and body paint so that they blended in perfectly with the walls which were crazily patterned. They never jumped out, they snuck around creepily, which gave the illusion that the walls were moving. It was the trippiest thing I have ever experienced to date. We walked through a room hung with rubber chickens with a woman screaming at us to NOT TOUCH THE CHICKENS which made me laugh way too much, and I had to apologize to a clown because I think I made the clown laugh too. The end is a large rotating hall that, with the glasses makes you feel so... sick and high. It was not scary so much as the most high you can get without drugs ever. We all rambled down the torch lit path a little bit dizzy until we met a GIANT clown with a face like a puppet and a body like a huge turkey. The clown was blind, the actor had two helpers guiding him. But it was late, and they were more fun than scary and the actor kept making the clown/puppet sing Stevie Wonder songs.
The final event is called SLEEP STALKERS
It takes place in a Mental Institution circa 1968. (My own estimate). I tried not to say anything when we were inside, but before we went in I voiced how mental illness is actually more sad to me than scary. Afterwards, Laura said, "Michelle you ruined Sleep Stalkers for me with your moral outrage."
True to prediction, this was the least scary event. Although, Scott pointed out, it's also the last one on the list so everyone's already been jumped at a lot all night, so guests probably aren't as fun. And the actors must be exhausted because it was like.. 12:30am.
Points for detail work. The details were amazing. The lobby smelled like a nursing home. And the patient rooms smelled stuffy. And the ice box smelled moldy. Patient rooms had details like patient belongings, books and headbands. There was a toilet overflowing with shit. We had to walk through the ice box and the cow carcasses that hung in the way ( a la Harold in the graveyard) were the worst part for me. I didn't want to touch them even though I knew they were fake. One was just weird enough to make you think it might be human instead of bovine. I gagged the whole way through.
The "patients" were typical. A man laughing at static on tv. Which... to be honest isn't scary to me, it's just sad. I wanted to pat him on the shoulder and give him some ice chips. Another girl screamed "They're everywhere I tell you!" It was the "I tell you" that made me want to laugh. Despite my moral "outrage" over the exploitation of our society's fear of mental illness I kept thinking ,"if only these actors had more idea of what can actually be scary about mental illness this would be a highly effective attraction. " But as it was it reminded me of the U.S.S Salem. The location was unbelievable, but sadly wasted on contrived acting and over done situations.
All in all however, the entire 's worth of adventures were satisfyingly creepy and scary. There was real fear (like being stuck in Buried Alive), fun fear when actors jumped and screamed, and moments of downright bizarre quality like the chicken lady. Worth it.
It wasn't huge, I didn't invite everyone I know. I only invited a cozy amount of people, enough to fill my kitchen. When I imagined how I wanted to celebrate it was the only thing I wanted. I've had enough loud drunken parties in my past and surely have a few more in my future.
As a result of the pumpkin carving festivities I have a ton of guts and seeds and so I have been spending this afternoon baking pumpkins.
Then... Sunday night after Gorefest rehearsal I met Laura, Scott, Rachel and Marcy and we all took a drive to Litchfield New Hampshire to go to NIGHTMARE NEW ENGLAND.
I can not overstate how much I enjoy haunted houses and scary hayrides. I mean, probably way more than a good Catholic girl should. Over the years I have been to many different scary adventure parks. Scott has too, and many of them we've done together since he is my go-to guy for this type of thing. Last year we did the U.S.S Salem . So we're kind of like... connoisseurs of shock-entertainment. The first thing we noticed was that the costumes of the people entertaining guests while we stood in line were extremely elaborate. Like, there was one character on stilts with cyborg components but a face like TreeBeard. Except, where he did look like TreeBeard he also had metal mandibles. And a futuristic eye patch, headpiece that lit up in places, reflecting on his bark. WHAT? Every character seemed to have a story behind his or her attire. Like the woman wearing a wedding dress, a gas mask, and carrying a black balloon. Also, a ton of awesome mask and stilt work combined with some puppetry stuff too.. so it wasn't all jsut teenage hacks looking for summer work.
The four main attractions with general admission are, in order:
BURIED ALIVE
A haunted house built into a barn meant to make you feel like you were trapped underground. We experienced some extreme claustrophobia. The ceiling got very low and you could hear people nailing nails as you were "buried." Actors *did* do the jumping out at you thing, but it was very well done, not over played and the costumes were amazing. One of the guys was dressed in leaves and completely blended in with this wall of leaves. Scott screamed "Legends of the Hidden Temple" and the guy yelled "Hidden Temple!" back at him like a parrot. We got squished in this hallway made from the stuff a bouncy house is made of that went on FOREVER. And it was tight. Really tight. That was scary. I'm ok in tight situations, but if Scott hadn't been holding my hand I might have lost it. It was hard to breathe, it was pitch black and the hall was only as large as your body mass made way for.
RAVENCLAW
An open air cemetery/maze where we got chased around by zombies, a few of which resembled my ex boyfriends. One of them said "I AM your ex boyfriend," when I voiced this to Scott, which made us laugh and also made me very very nervous about who they are hiring at this place. Scariest part? not knowing which way to turn for exits, wooden shacks that nearly collapsed on us, and having to physically touch this hanging torso that was in the way of an exit that looked EXACTLY like the Harold the scarecrow from the "Scary Story" books.
3D Freak Show
This was in a tent, and we all had to wear 3-D glasses. The theme was "deranged circus," there were side show acts and of course clowns a plenty. It was more disorienting than scary. The whole thing was lit with black lights, and the glasses made some of the colors jump more than others. Some of the actors wore costumes and body paint so that they blended in perfectly with the walls which were crazily patterned. They never jumped out, they snuck around creepily, which gave the illusion that the walls were moving. It was the trippiest thing I have ever experienced to date. We walked through a room hung with rubber chickens with a woman screaming at us to NOT TOUCH THE CHICKENS which made me laugh way too much, and I had to apologize to a clown because I think I made the clown laugh too. The end is a large rotating hall that, with the glasses makes you feel so... sick and high. It was not scary so much as the most high you can get without drugs ever. We all rambled down the torch lit path a little bit dizzy until we met a GIANT clown with a face like a puppet and a body like a huge turkey. The clown was blind, the actor had two helpers guiding him. But it was late, and they were more fun than scary and the actor kept making the clown/puppet sing Stevie Wonder songs.
The final event is called SLEEP STALKERS
It takes place in a Mental Institution circa 1968. (My own estimate). I tried not to say anything when we were inside, but before we went in I voiced how mental illness is actually more sad to me than scary. Afterwards, Laura said, "Michelle you ruined Sleep Stalkers for me with your moral outrage."
True to prediction, this was the least scary event. Although, Scott pointed out, it's also the last one on the list so everyone's already been jumped at a lot all night, so guests probably aren't as fun. And the actors must be exhausted because it was like.. 12:30am.
Points for detail work. The details were amazing. The lobby smelled like a nursing home. And the patient rooms smelled stuffy. And the ice box smelled moldy. Patient rooms had details like patient belongings, books and headbands. There was a toilet overflowing with shit. We had to walk through the ice box and the cow carcasses that hung in the way ( a la Harold in the graveyard) were the worst part for me. I didn't want to touch them even though I knew they were fake. One was just weird enough to make you think it might be human instead of bovine. I gagged the whole way through.
The "patients" were typical. A man laughing at static on tv. Which... to be honest isn't scary to me, it's just sad. I wanted to pat him on the shoulder and give him some ice chips. Another girl screamed "They're everywhere I tell you!" It was the "I tell you" that made me want to laugh. Despite my moral "outrage" over the exploitation of our society's fear of mental illness I kept thinking ,"if only these actors had more idea of what can actually be scary about mental illness this would be a highly effective attraction. " But as it was it reminded me of the U.S.S Salem. The location was unbelievable, but sadly wasted on contrived acting and over done situations.
All in all however, the entire 's worth of adventures were satisfyingly creepy and scary. There was real fear (like being stuck in Buried Alive), fun fear when actors jumped and screamed, and moments of downright bizarre quality like the chicken lady. Worth it.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
A Picture
I did an extra 4 hours at the end of my 8 hour shift tonight. I came home alone, meandering on city streets on foot. I was crying a little, my heart just hurt so much. Nothing "bad" happened at work. Nothing I could say, "here is why I am crying." But sometimes I think just days and days of listening and carrying the collective suffering of a group of people can just... get to a person.
But here is a picture in my head that made me smile: At about 10pm I went into "Jeanette's" room. Jeanette is a Haitian- Creole lady who is elderly, on the heavier side and blind; she has some mental health issues and is homeless. Although the turnover rate of most of my patients is anywhere from 2 days to three months, Jeanette has lived at this respite facility for over a year because she is undocumented and has no where else to go yet. As a result, we are very close.
I went in to see if she would take her evening medications, and I saw her siting on her bed, far enough back that her feet did not reach the floor and she was wiggling them. She was laughing at a joke her roommate (also Haitian) had just told her, and there was corn EVERYWHERE. Corn on her, corn on the bed, an almost empty cob of corn on the floor surrounded by corn. And she was cracking up. And I cracked up. And she called me by name when she heard my laugh and I asked her in french why there was corn everywhere and very VERY sweetly she said in perfect english "I don't know, Michelle."
Which made us both laugh even harder. I cleaned up all the corn, brought her to the bathroom, changed her sheets and helped her back to bed.
Then I cried on the train going home. I don't know. I haven't figured me out.
But here is a picture in my head that made me smile: At about 10pm I went into "Jeanette's" room. Jeanette is a Haitian- Creole lady who is elderly, on the heavier side and blind; she has some mental health issues and is homeless. Although the turnover rate of most of my patients is anywhere from 2 days to three months, Jeanette has lived at this respite facility for over a year because she is undocumented and has no where else to go yet. As a result, we are very close.
I went in to see if she would take her evening medications, and I saw her siting on her bed, far enough back that her feet did not reach the floor and she was wiggling them. She was laughing at a joke her roommate (also Haitian) had just told her, and there was corn EVERYWHERE. Corn on her, corn on the bed, an almost empty cob of corn on the floor surrounded by corn. And she was cracking up. And I cracked up. And she called me by name when she heard my laugh and I asked her in french why there was corn everywhere and very VERY sweetly she said in perfect english "I don't know, Michelle."
Which made us both laugh even harder. I cleaned up all the corn, brought her to the bathroom, changed her sheets and helped her back to bed.
Then I cried on the train going home. I don't know. I haven't figured me out.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Delicious
Caroline, Amy and I walked to WholeFoods after work and bought sushi, berries and some mango juice and then had a picnic on the grass near the Christian Science Center. I hadn't "hung around" there since high school, and said as much to my dining companions. I wonder if I would have recognized myself if I saw 25 year old me there when I was 15. I can certainly pick out the old me out of a crowd, but I don't know if it's as easy the other way around.
Boston, you sly artsy sneak.
You set up walls and walls between us for so long -
you knew it was the only way you'd have me back: just longing for your days like these.
Then we lined up and waited for Summer Shack to open so we could get mojitos before I had to leave for Goresfest rehearsal, but alas, I lost my license last night at The Field where I had gone with Bobby, Dana, Shannon, Sean and Michelle to watch the debate.
So no mojitos for me, but it was a fabulous way to let go of the day before going to rehearsal.
Boston, you sly artsy sneak.
You set up walls and walls between us for so long -
you knew it was the only way you'd have me back: just longing for your days like these.
Then we lined up and waited for Summer Shack to open so we could get mojitos before I had to leave for Goresfest rehearsal, but alas, I lost my license last night at The Field where I had gone with Bobby, Dana, Shannon, Sean and Michelle to watch the debate.
So no mojitos for me, but it was a fabulous way to let go of the day before going to rehearsal.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Day Off
Yesterday I worked a 16 hour shift, so today I slept in. I moved my bed more towards the window.
That means that when I do find myself in my bed, which is not often, I can breathe in and taste autumn and see the leaves red against a blue sky. It makes leaving the bed easier to do, like a promise of what I can have if I just move my bones a bit.
Mom came over and brought pumpkin muffins and chai, so I had an even better reason to get up today. Then we went for a walk around Jamaica Pond. It was so lovely out that life felt a bit like a movie. We saw fish jumping out of the water, and everywhere people were smiling and laughing.
My favorite part was that we j
ust kept seeing turtles. And I do so much love turtles. You can find the rest of the pictures on my web album.
Then I went downtown for a meeting. I can not tell you the details of this meeting other than it confirmed completely that this might be my year after all. But I will not count my turtles before they hatch.
Then Steph came over and we teleconferenced with the others who are going on the trip to Tokyo. That was time consuming and boring.
Then, despite being exhausted I went out to watch the Sox game with Danny because he is only in town for one week. Sox won, I got cake and I am able to take a nap before work at 7am. Yay!
That means that when I do find myself in my bed, which is not often, I can breathe in and taste autumn and see the leaves red against a blue sky. It makes leaving the bed easier to do, like a promise of what I can have if I just move my bones a bit.
Mom came over and brought pumpkin muffins and chai, so I had an even better reason to get up today. Then we went for a walk around Jamaica Pond. It was so lovely out that life felt a bit like a movie. We saw fish jumping out of the water, and everywhere people were smiling and laughing.
My favorite part was that we j
ust kept seeing turtles. And I do so much love turtles. You can find the rest of the pictures on my web album.Then I went downtown for a meeting. I can not tell you the details of this meeting other than it confirmed completely that this might be my year after all. But I will not count my turtles before they hatch.
Then Steph came over and we teleconferenced with the others who are going on the trip to Tokyo. That was time consuming and boring.
Then, despite being exhausted I went out to watch the Sox game with Danny because he is only in town for one week. Sox won, I got cake and I am able to take a nap before work at 7am. Yay!
Friday, October 3, 2008
Wish List
So right before I turned 25, as in, a few days before, I got to get a cast of my head made for Gorefest.
The process was messy and exciting and you can see all the photos here.
I realized as I sat having heavy bandages applied to my head while I took deep breaths through a cardboard tube unable to see or speak that I was living out a dream I've had my whole life that I hadn't put into words.
As a kid I had watched a behind the scenes feature for some movie or a show on the discovery channel where they explained how these things got made, and I remember thinking... "Wow, that is not something everyone gets to do, I hope I get to do that someday."
So I can now cross that off the list of things I want to do before I die. But it wasn't even articulated on the list so it's kind of cheating. I feel like a lot of things I do fall into that category. I don't even really have a list. So I am starting one for this year. Details to follow but "going to Japan" is on it, even though that is also cheating. I'm pretty much just a horrible cheater who gets to go to Japan knowing my plaster head stays safely behind.
The process was messy and exciting and you can see all the photos here.
I realized as I sat having heavy bandages applied to my head while I took deep breaths through a cardboard tube unable to see or speak that I was living out a dream I've had my whole life that I hadn't put into words.
As a kid I had watched a behind the scenes feature for some movie or a show on the discovery channel where they explained how these things got made, and I remember thinking... "Wow, that is not something everyone gets to do, I hope I get to do that someday."
So I can now cross that off the list of things I want to do before I die. But it wasn't even articulated on the list so it's kind of cheating. I feel like a lot of things I do fall into that category. I don't even really have a list. So I am starting one for this year. Details to follow but "going to Japan" is on it, even though that is also cheating. I'm pretty much just a horrible cheater who gets to go to Japan knowing my plaster head stays safely behind.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Quarter of a Century
Today I am 25 years old. That is to say, I am a quarter of a century on this earth. I am beginning my 26th year of life. I am a year older (wiser?) than I was when I turned 24. I am finally old enough to rent a car.
To celebrate my birthday my supervisor let me out of work early today. I met up with Quinn and we went to Toro, which is a tapas place not far from BMC. Our waitress spoke mainly Spanish, and so Quinn did all the talking, although I could understand enough to pick out him telling her it was my birthday. She brought us a cookie at the end of the meal, and held two burning candles in her hands while she, beaming, sang Feliz Cumpleanos.
Then I met my Mom and we went for a walk in Forest Hills Cemetery. I know that seems like a weird thing to do for my birthday but you have to go there and then you will know why it's one of my favorite places to go in Boston. It is also right at the end of my street.
So Mom and I have been trying to find e.e. cumming's grave armed with only a crappy map for a few months. We set out determined rain or shine to find it and after an hour and a half we did exactly that. The grave is hard to locate because it is amongst a different family plot, the stone is flush with the ground, and the name is written out "Edwin Estlin Cummings." It is set on a bit of an incline, and we looked around for a landmark so I could easily return. Then, straight across from us, and down the hill I saw my favorite tree in the cemetery.
It's my favorite tree because it's hollowed out and the inside has been bronzed and inscribed with this e.e. cumming's poem:
To celebrate my birthday my supervisor let me out of work early today. I met up with Quinn and we went to Toro, which is a tapas place not far from BMC. Our waitress spoke mainly Spanish, and so Quinn did all the talking, although I could understand enough to pick out him telling her it was my birthday. She brought us a cookie at the end of the meal, and held two burning candles in her hands while she, beaming, sang Feliz Cumpleanos.
Then I met my Mom and we went for a walk in Forest Hills Cemetery. I know that seems like a weird thing to do for my birthday but you have to go there and then you will know why it's one of my favorite places to go in Boston. It is also right at the end of my street.
So Mom and I have been trying to find e.e. cumming's grave armed with only a crappy map for a few months. We set out determined rain or shine to find it and after an hour and a half we did exactly that. The grave is hard to locate because it is amongst a different family plot, the stone is flush with the ground, and the name is written out "Edwin Estlin Cummings." It is set on a bit of an incline, and we looked around for a landmark so I could easily return. Then, straight across from us, and down the hill I saw my favorite tree in the cemetery.
It's my favorite tree because it's hollowed out and the inside has been bronzed and inscribed with this e.e. cumming's poem:
i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes
(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)
how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any--lifted from the no
of all nothing--human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?
(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)
I took Mom down to the tree and climbed inside because something caught my eye. Since I had last been inside the tree someone had wrapped a book of cumming's poems in plastic to keep in a nook inside. I opened it and read out loud a bit. Even further back in the nook, which I had never once noticed was a journal and a pen. The journal was full of poems and messages from different visitors to the tree. Mom and I wrote our own message, and the sky opened up and began to pour.
I think this is going to be my year.
I think this is going to be my year.
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