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Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Twilight

I am reading the Twilight series by Stephanie Meyer. I picked them up as a distraction from the serious things in life. Wise move. They are absolutely entertaining. However, despite being thoroughly entertained, I am finding a lot to complain about.

Laura is also reading them. So right in my cozy little apartment I have someone to commiserate with about generally bad writing, transparent characters, a predictable and hole-filled plot and persistent themes of misogyny. Monday afternoon we sat in separate rooms, each with a big thick book and a blanket and yelled at the books. A lot.

I am already on the third book as you read this, but for what it's worth I have prepared my impression of the first.

There are probably spoilers, but if you don't already know the plot you live under a rock/are Stephanie Jones, and it won't matter anyway.

It's raining.
Edward: Stay away! I am no good for you.

Bella: Fine. No wait. You monster. I can't.

Edward: I know. It's inevitable. We're fated. I'm a vampire.

Bella: Kiss me!

Edward: (almost touching her) No! We can't! I am..... a vampire.

Bella: I know that already! But I love you and do not care that you have no soul!

Human Guy Chorus: Bella, you are pretty! Date me!

Bella: Go away! I only like vampires.

Edward: Bella, if you know what's good for you, you will stay away. Because I am a vampire.

Bella: Let's keep having this conversation over and over, I will never get tired of it.

Charlie: Hi, everyone. I'm her Dad.

.....SILENCE.......

Bella: Help! Help! I almost died again! I am so clumsy!

Edward: Oh! I have saved your life only to push you away again! Now my eyes are smoldering.

Bella: I am grateful and I hate you and I love you.

Edward: You should hate me. But since you don't I will now command your every move and be jealous of everyone else you know. That's what love is.

Bella: Yes. Yes it is.

Jacob: Werewolves exist. That's all. Certainly not foreshadowing.

Bella: I no longer need family or friends because I have found true love!

Edward: You also no longer need any of your own ideas or interests! Our entire relationship can just be based on our forbidden love and discussions about it.

Bella: Thank goodness!

Bella's Narration: There are so many things I'm pretending to not know yet!

Edward: And now I will now dismiss about 150 years of literary tradition about the Undead in a few quick lines.

Bella: Ooooh! Sparkly!


Still I am addicted to reading them. It's all junk food. I know it's bad for me but I don't want to stop. I suppose that since I have no comparable reality t.v obsession I've already made up my mind to forgive this new vice in my life because at least it's a fun escape.

Mmmmm.... teenaged vampire romance. It makes my brain all slow and happy.

So what I'm saying is, this is not the last you will hear about my new favorite fiction and addiction. For better or for worse.

2 comments:

kimnissiveness said...

You said everything I thought about the books, but in fewer words.

I don't feel bad about having read them and having gone to see the movie with my 14 year old sister because it's so entertaining.

Enjoy the rest of the books. :)

MischMash said...

Haha! I don't feel bad either. But I'm planning another follow up of the series that will express how angry the third book in particular is making me.